Try
to Understand CHILDREN CRAVE PARENTS who understand them. Whether they are learning to ride a bicycle or cooking breakfast for the first time, your children are mastering new skills and need you to understand that life is also difficult for them. If you understand your child, he will feel safe to come to you. When life shuffles and tosses your children around, they will find solace and protection in the shelter of your understanding: "I know you're disappointedÑtell me all about it." As Courtney said, "My parents may not always agree, but they always try to understand."Understanding means not only that you understand what they are saying, but also that you are aware of when they are down, need to be left alone, or are hurt or frustrated, even if they don't say so with words. Nine-year-old Seth came home and, as usual, went straight for the refrigerator, but his mother noticed something wrong; perhaps it was the deliberate way he walked or the hang of his head.
"Are you upset?" she asked. When he denied it, she didn't question further, saying, "Well, just the same, please go easy on yourself." As he left he nodded. Later he told her he was having trouble with some kids at school, but he appreciated her knowing "when to stay out of my head." It made him feel he could solve his own problem.
Understanding is not jumping to conclusions, thinking you know for sure what is going on. Try to understand the meaning behind the words. When Leon, age five, dropped his ice-cream cone on the ground and started sobbing, his mom said, "Don't cryÑI'll get you another one." She was puzzled when he insisted he didn't want any more ice cream. When he went off to sit by himself, she realized he had spilled the ice cream on his favorite baseball shirt.
"Are you worried about your shirt?" He nodded. "Are you worried that the stain won't come out?" He shook his head. "Are you worried that it won't be clean by tonight?"
"Yup!"
By coming to this understanding they were ready to find the solution.
Understanding means letting your child be in charge and not quickly taking over. A child learning to tie his shoes may get easily frustrated, but even so he does not want you to do it for him. Instead suggest, "You might try it this way." When your child asks for your advice, don't rush in with your answers so quickly; instead ask, "What do you think?" This gives him confidence to solve his own dilemmas. He relaxes, tensions melt away, and he is able to accept the challenge of the task at hand.
Copyright 1996 by Judy Ford. Reprinted here with permission from Conari Press. This essay may be printed out for personal use but may not be reproduced in any manner, including electronic, without prior written permission from the publisher.
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