Let
Go When It's TimeLetting go does not begin when your children turn eighteen or twenty-one and box up their stuff and move out. It begins in many little ways even when they are as young as two or three. Many a parent has sent a child off to school for the first time, waving good-bye at the bus stop and crying buckets of tears. Many parents have felt pain as they watched the coach keep their child sitting on the bench.Opportunities for letting go continue throughout a lifetime, and it almost always hurts. Not only do we want to protect our children from all the unfairness and pain, but we also want to share in their happiness and glory. Sometimes they choose to share it with someone other than you. Becky made the cutest clown costume for her five-year-old Meg and was stunned when Meg insisted on going trick-or-treating with the neighbors instead of her. Matt was honored on local television for an act of bravery, and his parents wanted to take him out to dinner. But after the show he said, “See you later—I’m going out with my friends.”
Letting go means watching as your children make their own way in the world without you. Letting go means loosening your grip and your tendency to control. It means letting them make their own mistakes and their own decisions. Letting go is remembering that your children are not yours forever, but are gifts shared for a time. Some parents hold on too tightly; others don’t get involved enough. Finding the balance can be tricky, but if you listen carefully, they will guide you: “Look, Mom, I cut my hair.” “Dad, can I walk to the store?” “Mom, I’m going to ride my bike to town—see you later.” “Mom, I’m getting my belly-button pierced.” “Dad, I’ve decided to backpack through Europe with my boyfriend.”
Each of these milestones offers a new challenge. How much you loosen your grip of course depends on your child’s age and the circumstances, but you will nevertheless come face-to-face with such challenges almost every day of your child’s life. Your three year old wants to play in the backyard by herself. Can your ten year old spend the day at the mall with friends? Go to the late show at the movies? What about staying out all night on prom night? “Mom, can I borrow the car?”
Jayne and Dave wanted Marc to play in the backyard but he preferred the park across the street. They wanted him to go college close by; he went to Japan on a exchange and stayed, then he married a girl from Holland and now he lives there.
As they assert more independence, that you will experience a loss is a given, but you can rest assured knowing you have loved them enough to let go. Kaye, the mother of three grown children, told me, “When you finally know your children are happy, you are never alone.”
Copyright 1996 by Judy Ford. Reprinted here with permission from Conari Press. This essay may be printed out for personal use but may not be reproduced in any manner, including electronic, without prior written permission from the publisher.
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