Give Your Presence Being present is making contact with the essence of the other person. It is meeting your child in the moment, without concern for the past or the future, and with your mind emptied of distractions. This means you come to your child free of expectations, preconceived notions, and the thousand other things you "need" to be doing, so that you can focus completely on his or her needs. This is not always easy, but it is vitally important.Do you remember hearing stories of the poor little rich kid who had every material advantage but whose heart was broken because the parents were never really there? Sadly, there are many children who suffer from this kind of neglect. Gifts, no matter how expensive, will never take the place of your presence. Giving your complete attention is much more valuable to a growing child and is the most satisfying way of being together.
As an infant your child requires your presence constantly, but as she gets older it's easy to forget to pay attention, so watch for signs that she may be feeling abandoned. Perhaps her pestering you while you're on the phone is a signal that she needs more undivided attention. Once a six-year-old boy told me that the only time his father paid any attention to him was when he got in trouble at school and, since he wanted his dad's attention, he didn't mind the trouble. I suggested to his father, Don, that he spend a half -hour each evening just hanging out with his son. He wasn't sure it would make a difference but agreed to try. The trouble in school stopped, and Don discovered how important his presence was to his young son.
As kids move toward independence, you will be more on top of their adventures if you tune in without distraction. Amber, for example, schedules Saturday-morning breakfast dates at a neighborhood cafe with her nine and eleven year olds. She finds that just an hour away from home to focus on their needs keeps the lines of communication open.
Children do not always communicate with words, so be aware of the nonverbal ways children try to get you to listen. Hailey, at age five, started sucking her thumb again, whereas Ian was always so excited to talk with his parents at dinnertime that he could not eat. Davey complained of a stomachache each morning before school, and Candice bit her fingernails or twisted her hair when her parents argued. A child who repeatedly cries when left with a baby-sitter or clings and whines when with other adults may be sending a message that you need to be paying more attention.
Clear your mind, clear your schedule, and really be there. When you can't give your full attention, tell them so, then schedule a time when you canÑand keep it. Turn off the television and turn on the answering machine. Sit together, talk, relax and unwind, and you will feel the connection grow stronger. If you are truly present when you are together, when you're apart they will rest assured your love surrounds them.
Copyright 1996 by Judy Ford. Reprinted here with permission from Conari Press. This essay may be printed out for personal use but may not be reproduced in any manner, including electronic, without prior written permission from the publisher.
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