Listen
from Your Heart Listening from your heart is completely different from listening with your ears. Few people know how to do this, and very few parents listen to their children this way. Listening from the heart means being genuinely interested, open, and caring. It means being eager to hear, to learn, to be astonishedÑwithout the need to argue, interrupt the flow, or give advice (the really hard part!). Listening from the heart means not jumping in with your point of view, but rather hearing what life is like from your child's perspective. It is listening with a sense of wonder. When you listen from your heart, your child feels safe to tell all, for a child who is with a receptive adult opens up and shares freely.When Jake was caught cutting high school, he was upset and called his dad, John, insisting he pick him up right away. While driving to the school John reminded himself not to jump to conclusions but to allow Jake to do the talking. Jake told his dad that he didn't want to return to school that day, that he needed time to think. So instead of scolding, lecturing, or dispensing advice, John took his son for a walk and continued listening. Jake talked about everything from soccer to grades to money. The more John listened, the more Jake shared. He talked about his girlfriend, sex, and his future. Because of John's heartfelt listening, what might have been a confrontation softened into an intimate father-son conversation, ending with Jake listening to his father's point of view.
A child who is upset needs sensitive listening where few words are exchanged. Remember that saying "Oh" or "Hmmm" is sometimes enough; the fewer words from you, the better. Don't try to coax for more information than your child wants to give. Crystal cried and gasped for air while she told her mother how Lissy wouldn't share the dolls. Fortunately, Mom avoided the tendency to fix the problem. She listened, nodded in understanding, and, as often happens, within an hour or so Crystal was playing with Lissy again.
A child who is crying does not want to be asked questions or be given advice. In fact, he wants you to understand without his having to explain. When your child has finished crying or is no longer so upset, you might ask a simple question, such as, "Something happened?" or "Bad day?" Too many questions and your child feels defensive. Some children will share more; others will want to keep it to themselves, and you need to learn to respect their way.
Listening from your heart will heighten the sense of closeness with your child, and many times you'll discover that your gentle, quiet listening is all that's needed for your child to find his own solution.
Copyright 1996 by Judy Ford. Reprinted here with permission from Conari Press. This essay may be printed out for personal use but may not be reproduced in any manner, including electronic, without prior written permission from the publisher.
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