Speak
Kindly Like adults, children respond well to kindness. While what you say and the tone of your voice indicates how you are feeling, your child will interpret your words and tone as direct messages about his own self-worth. So speak gently and kindly, and your children will listen. There's no need to sound like an old shrew to get their attention.Stop yelling. Shouting at children or to your spouse creates tension in the air, bad vibes around the house, and noise pollution in your head. It is not a good idea. Don't preach, nag, lecture, or pontificate either. Stop all the harping and blaming. Drop all criticism either direct or disguised. Don't bully, scream, call names, or threaten. For some of us, this is much easier to say than to do. We grew up in families that screamed and shrieked, blamed, and poked fun at one another, so it feels almost natural to do it. I suggest to parents with that kind of history that they stop before the harsh words come out and ask themselves, "If this child were me, how would I like to be spoken to?"
Maggie was worried sick when Joel, eight years old, who was supposed to be playing at the neighbor's, could not be found. She searched high and low, called everyone, and yelled for him. By the time he came walking up the street two hours later, she was in tears. She was so relieved she wanted to hug him, scold him, take him in her arms, and threaten him so he would never do that again. Wisely, instead she gently took his hand, walked silently for a block, and then asked, "Where were you, Joel?"
"Didn't you get the message on the answering machine?" he replied. "Ben's dad took us to play basketball. We saw a dog get hit by a car and took it to the vet."
She listened quietly as Joel told the story in great detail, sometimes fighting back his tears. She was so glad that she had held her tongue before she spoke, and so glad she had listened instead of talking so much as she sometimes did. When she got home, sure enough, just as she had taught him to do, there were two messages on the machine, letting her know what was happening.
When you find yourself becoming overwrought, take time to unwindÑgo for a walk or call a friend. Clear your head first, then, when you're ready, talk things over. Remember, every interaction has tremendous potential to hurt or heal, to wound or inspire. And in the midst of chaos your simple act of kindness can turn their day and yours around.
Copyright 1996 by Judy Ford. Reprinted here with permission from Conari Press. This essay may be printed out for personal use but may not be reproduced in any manner, including electronic, without prior written permission from the publisher.
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