TNPC Home | ParenTalk | Articles - Preteen | Parent Chat

On Middle Children

by Evelyn Petersen

Question:
We are experiencing some difficulties with our "middle child" age 9. She is so "fair" oriented and insists that everything be "equal" to the nth degree. I am going nuts trying to make equal divisions about everything. At the same time, she is often discontented; enough is never enough. She always wants to do, go, spend and socialize. I wish she were more thoughtful and more grateful.
K.K. Philadelphia

Answer:

Trying to treat each child "equally" is not possible and will drive you crazy. Stop. What is important is to treat them FAIRLY, and be sure they understand that you are doing this. When they were younger, their bedtimes were different (maybe they still are) because some children need more sleep than others. This is "fair" because it is based on their needs. It is not "equal," or they would all go to bed at the same time!
As children grow, they have different interests and hobbies. One might want to go to "horse camp" and one to "gymnastic camp" and the other may want to take art lessons. You will do what you can afford, but it will not be EQUAL; it will be doing the best you can to meet each child`s needs FAIRLY.

If they have their own rooms, each room is probably decorated a little differently. "Equal" would mean all rooms would be exactly the same! Would they like this? "Fair" is staying within the family budget and allowing each room to be different.

Ask your children to think about and list the things you give them that are really the MOST important. These would be love, attention, food, shelter, etc. Wouldn`t they agree that you give these important things equally to all of them?

The kind of time you spend privately or alone with each of them will be different, because it will be based on their individual needs. Meeting these needs and helping them grow as people cannot be completely "equal" but it can be "fair." Some rules for the family will apply equally to all of them, but you will also do different but "fair" things with each child to help each one grow more mature and responsible.

Be sure children understand that the concepts of fair and equal also apply to them! Children must treat YOU fairly as a member of the family group and do their fair share to help out.

You can't make your middle child feel "grateful." In fact, giving her what she wants when she wants it will teach her SELFISHNESS, NOT GENEROSITY. However, you CAN make her earn money to save up for things she wants to buy. If she learns this life skill now, she WILL be grateful to you as a young adult. Read "Spoiled Rotten" by Fred Gosman, or "Kids, Money and Values," by Pat S. Estess and Irving Barocas for more help with this.

Ms. Petersen's nationally syndicated parenting column is carried in over 200 newspapers twice each week. As a family/parenting consultant, early childhood educator, Head Start consultant, and host of a series of parent training audio and video tapes, Ms. Petersen employs an approach of providing hands-on, nuts and bolts advice to parents across the country. Her new book "A Practical Guide to Early Childhood Planning: The What Why and How of Lesson Plans" has just been released.

TNPC Home | ParenTalk | Articles about Preteens | Comments for TNPC

Programmed by: http://www.parentsplace.com/